Forever And Always

Having baby Benedict here, alive and breathing has taken some of the stress and pain away that is here, but it doesn’t take all of it. Freddie is still a person who lived and breathed and we can’t forget that, he can’t ever be replaced or forgotten. Sometimes when Ben open his eyes I can see just a tiny bit of Freddie in them and although that only normal I can’t help but have that tiny nagging worry, I try ever so hard not to worry but it’s just so hard.

When I hold Ben people say that some girls my age already have a baby, I have vowed not to be one of those girls, I’m happy just to have a younger brother. Also it keeps occurring to me that by the time he’s 6 or 7 he’ll probably be coming to spend weekends with me. If he does he’ll have to get used to spending a lot of time in the theatre being cooed by the other dancers! That is a very strange thought and not one I like to think about very often.

When Ben is awake all my fears, doubt and worry vanish but when he is asleep and has been for a while they come back, they creep into the back of my mind sparking off other worries, I remember these worries because I had them with Freddie, when we were at the hospital I was fine but at home I would just worry.

I have decided that I will be happy and I will not wish away his babyhood or is childhood, partly because by doing that I am wishing my own childhood away but mainly because I want to be able to enjoy him forever and always.

This post was taken from my previous blog- Cartwheel Girl’s Blog.

Comments

  1. Iona says

    :’} (((hugs))) Aww, I can just imagine you age 20 with your little brother hanging out with your colleagues, ;It’s a very sweet picture. It’s going to be wierd growing up a boy in a family of girls! I’m glad you are’nt going to have a baby until you are old enough to look after him/her properly, I’m not until I’m married.

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