Forever And Always

Having baby Benedict here, alive and breathing has taken some of the stress and pain away that is here, but it doesn’t take all of it. Freddie is still a person who lived and breathed and we can’t forget that, he can’t ever be replaced or forgotten. Sometimes when Ben open his eyes I can see just a tiny bit of Freddie in them and although that only normal I can’t help but have that tiny nagging worry, I try ever so hard not to worry but it’s just so hard.

When I hold Ben people say that some girls my age already have a baby, I have vowed not to be one of those girls, I’m happy just to have a younger brother. Also it keeps occurring to me that by the time he’s 6 or 7 he’ll probably be coming to spend weekends with me. If he does he’ll have to get used to spending a lot of time in the theatre being cooed by the other dancers! That is a very strange thought and not one I like to think about very often.

When Ben is awake all my fears, doubt and worry vanish but when he is asleep and has been for a while they come back, they creep into the back of my mind sparking off other worries, I remember these worries because I had them with Freddie, when we were at the hospital I was fine but at home I would just worry.

I have decided that I will be happy and I will not wish away his babyhood or is childhood, partly because by doing that I am wishing my own childhood away but mainly because I want to be able to enjoy him forever and always.

This post was taken from my previous blog- Cartwheel Girl’s Blog.

Freddie, 1 Year On.

Freddie, though 1 year you were born it only feels like 1 day. I have had my days where where I remember you and I smile and treasure the moments I had with you and then there are the days where I just want to cry.

I remember waking up a 5 in the morning and realising it was all happening going to my Great Aunts staying there and mucking out the horses of a distant Aunt, my Dad coming to tell us that we had a baby brother. At the time I didn’t know how serious Freddie condition was and just hoping that he would come home.

I can’t remember what happened during the 11 days my brother was alive very well, I can remember¬†getting him a teddy bear snuggle blanket and seeing him a few times.

¬†But I remember being told that it was over. In my head I knew it wasn’t working but I hoped. I don’t want it to be over even now but I tell myself that it is and I can’t do anything about. But this experience will be good for me, one day.

I’m going to cry today and wish for you back, but wishing doesn’t seem to help not even if you cry. Sometimes it hurts so much that I can’t think straight but I carry on and I’m strong.

This post was taken from my previous blog- Cartwheel Girl’s Blog.


Freddie was my little brother, he was born on the 2nd of April 2010. When he came out he didn’t breath so he went into the Special Care Baby Unit SCBU for short. Freddie was put on a Ventilator.

The hospital he was in had just had a Virus going around so me and my sister weren’t allowed to see him.

But on the 6th of April they said we were allowed to see him, when we saw him he had a lot of wires helping him to get better.

After 2 days of being on this Ventilator Freddie was able to breath and shortly afterwards my mummy was allowed to give him a cuddle and when she did he opened his eyes just a little bit.
He then went to another hospital for the day to have is brain waves measured.

After that we had lots of ups and downs but he was stating to get better. Then he was moved into a room of his own and we were allowed to see him. We brought him some presents all of which he liked.

I gave him a Comfort Blanket, Maddy gave him a a Lullaby Teddy, Amelie gave him a bear called Leonie and Josie gave him some baby grows.

A while later he opened his eyes and was having a good look around. When we came to see him a while later he was asleep but we all had a picture taken of us and here it is.
Unfortunately after we had left he got a chest infection. The doctors thought that they could make him better but Freddie was too young to fight it off. He died on the 13th of April Freddie died aged 11 days old. But he died happy and in no pain.

This post was taken from my previous blog- Cartwheel Girl’s Blog.